Stepping Into The Ring

I find that I am out of my element as I sit down to write, type rather, for I am far more accustom to having pen in hand filling the pages of a journal. The benefit this time, I can read all the words that flow from my mind and no time will be wasted deciphering what was put down on the page. ( some things never change, i still write like an artist gone mad ). .. i warn you, this first post is a bit lengthy.. good luck ( thumbs up ) 

So, as I sit here with piano music softly playing in the background from one of the best Pandora stations yet to be discovered, I am faced with reality. At this road marker in life, I stand face to face with life's next opponent, brain surgery. Ready and rearing to go, my opponent stands ready to break me down at any given moment. It waits for me to lose focus for merely a second, and it surely will strike, with all it's arsenal ready to fire.  How long can my defenses last, am I drawing near to my last stand against emotional defeat?

Let me catch you all up to speed on what exactly I am talking about here. About three weeks ago today, I found myself back in Northwest Ohio laying in the boisterous MRI machine. As I lay there, my first thought was about how painful it was going to be putting my nose ring back in, but as I came to realize what was actually taking place, my thoughts morphed to prayer. I remember asking God that they would find something, something that would crack the long, unsolved mystery of my chronic headaches over the past 5 or so years of my life, not to mention the not so occasional loss of balance, the constant running into inanimate objects, blurred vision and strange pain from sneezing.. ( yea.. I even thought that one was weird ). I prayed that something would be found, for I didn't want my fears of being crazy to be confirmed, that I wasn't making it all up, that the pain was real. But even after the short half hour MRI, there was no inclination that there truly would be any such discovery, and as I prepared for the 48 hour wait for results, my mind quickly moved on the the next adventure as it so easily does.

Low and behold the wait was a little shorter, 15 minuets later as I was standing in the check out lane with some delicious granny smith apples, I received a call that has brought me to where I am today. The had found an abnormality, and it was time to start taking action on what they found. Chiari 1 Malformation is the name of the culprit, a sneaky little bugger that has been tormenting me half my life. Basically, because there are developmental abnormalities in the lower part of my skull, it causes my brain to pulsate down, not out, pushing part of my cerebella tonsils ( part of my brain ) down past the skull, which leads to pressure and all sorts of fantastically horrible symptoms like the ones that I have been having more recently. It turns out, even thought one can have this their entire life, signs don't start showing up until early adulthood, guess that means I am becoming an adult now..    

After this discovery, we set off right away looking to see which neurosurgeon we were going to see, and were a little disheartened to find the earliest appointment we could get was November 23rd, three weeks away. It was odd, my prayers answered; something was there. I wasn't crazy after all, but now what? My natural impulsive desire to become emotionally attached to the situation, wasn't so.. impulsive.. no emotion really.. strange, I hardly knew how to respond to my own reaction let alone the news itself. The next couple days were spent trying to explain to friends and family what was going on, which became difficult as I really knew very little about the condition either, thankfully I live in a house of detectives, and soon knew about as much about Chiari as one could over the resourcefulness of the internet. But still, the problem remained that we couldn't get an appointment for three weeks, so we started praying, praying that the Lord would provide, and fancy that; He did.

This past Thursday on November 11th, as I sat in one of the world's most renowned hospitals of Cleveland Clinic, it all started to make sense. Every symptom that I have had in the past 6 years of my life, it was one " ahh ha" moment after another to be honset. After about an hour and a half with my surgeon  Dr. Roscino, we discovered not only did I have Chiari, but that it was far more progressed than we had expected. To be diagnosed with Chari, those tonsils I talked about before have to be at least 5mm below your skull, and we discovered mine are about 20mm, and I don't think because my number is higher that I win any prizes. My doctor proceeded to explain to me that medically, she can't understand how I have been functioning as well as I have been, and if you know me at all, I don't particularly do a whole lot of nothing. This has by far been one of my busiest quarters at school, more stress and pressure and demand than ever before, and here; I am medically not suppose to be abel to be doing anything.. fancy that. In that moment, I could't help but express what I believe to be true. That Jesus has sustained me, pulled me through this far, had provided supernatural strength to get me through. 

 And this brings me to this new opponent, no longer unnamed, brain surgery. On December 1st, I will be heading back to Cleveland Clinic to have a procedure done that will hopefully cure me of all my pain, all my frustration from not knowing, all my symptoms that despite my best attempts can no longer be suppressed and have been fighting hard to debilitate me from being who I was created to be, from doing what I love do it. In so many words, they are removing parts of my vertebre, and than will proceed to but through the brain membrane and cauterize the brain tissue, relieving pressure, and than will be installing a titanium plate into that area to create more space for my brain, brain stem and other very important things, all through a roughly 4 in incision. Intimidating? It's possible, but know this, I do not go into this battle alone. Didn't you know? Haven't you heard who is in my corner? The King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conqueror over death, Salvation, Supplier of abundant Grace. Yeap, you guessed it, His name is Jesus.

My friends, if any of you know me in the slightest bit, you would be shocked to see me as I sit here tonight. Calm, relaxed even, as I sit and come to grips with reality, that two weeks from today, I will be recovering from brain surgery. I have come down to two conclusions. Either one: I am in complete denial about what is about to happen to me in two weeks, and because of it I am suppressing all of my uncontrollable emotion and am pretending that everything is ok, or two: this Jesus that I speak of has saw it fit to supply with me a surplus of peace, peace that truly and completely transcends all understanding. ... I think that I am going to go with the latter of the two...

I know not of what the battle ahead is going to look like, what punches the enemy is going to throw, what cheap shots might be taken, but this I know, the battle has indeed already been won. Fear not He says, and that's what I am going to choose to do, not fear. I have to believe that God is working all this out for my own good, his good is the best good that could ever be good, His plans for me that were set for me at creation are to bring glory to His name, and His name alone; if I don't believe that, than fear shall surely prevail. I am stepping into the ring, I do not deny that thoughts of retreat may creep into my mind, moments of pain may cause me to fall, but as I have already seen through the love of my friends and family, I am not alone in this fight. 


...side note, surgery was rescheduled for December 1st as of today ( which is now november 17th ) not november 29th...

.. ok i told you the first post was long, but if you made it this far, i applaud you ( applauding ). I will keep everyone updated,

By His Grace,

MaKenzie

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

---> Joshua 1:9