Til' He Appeared

Well, Merry Christmas Eve everyone. It's truly hard for me to believe that it could really be December 24th already, but that's most likely because I slept for the better part of December, but I guess that's what brain surgery and a large amount of drugs will do to one. I must say though, it's pretty amazing to have woken up this morning being able to say, " I feel good today".  I have stopped taking my pain meds, and have been battling nausea and other symptoms as a result of lots of medications and little food. But funny enough yet another drug that they gave me has helped that, and I am feeling almost 85% I would say, how amazing!? To have little to almost no pain in my head. I mean, i just had surgery nearly three weeks ago, and no pain? I will take that! How amazing is the Lord to bring healing and relief like that, something that I am truly not worthy of, but given regardless ( * cough cough, thats Grace! )

The past 2 1/2 weeks or so that I have been home since returning from the hospital have been quite interesting. It makes me laugh to read my last blog because I really don't remember writing it, ha. The first couple days that I was home, I was still pretty out of it, taking nearly 8-9 different drugs to relieve the pain and swelling and other things as such. It made it so difficult to pretty much do anything but lay there.. which is what I did. And if you know me, I am not to good at just.. sitting around, well let me tell you. That's pretty much all I did these past 2 weeks or so, and I don't think that I am any better at it. Being one who enjoys staying busy and on the go, it's been quite a challenge to know that I need to just rest...ahh yes. Rest. I thought that I would learn what it meant to rest in the Lord during this time at home during recovery. But; I think now I am realizing that the Lord wanted to show me how badly I need to learn to rest in Him, and that journey isn't ending as I prepare to head back to school in a little over a week but that it's merely just beginning!

One of the hardest things that I have experienced during this time is the lack of motivation to seek the Lord, even when I knew that's what I needed the most. It was so difficult to focus my mind on anything during the time when I was on most my medications. I would think to myself, " I should really spend time with the Lord today", and it would end at that. I would frustrate myself more than anything, and a hint of apathy with a dash of exhaustion lead me to never getting past that thought for a long time it seemed. It's amazing that what happens to us in our flesh can keep us from the very thing that we need, God. I believe that it all comes down to one thing really. How much do you want Him, how badly do you desire for God to be there in the center of it all, the good, the bad, the hard? I find that I have been confronted by that question, and it's a scary thing really. But, I have also come to the conclusion that the answer is YES, a thousand times yes. And how amazing that even though I have struggled to seek Him every day during this time, that He still ushers me into His presence without condemnation or anger, but love and grace!

Despite taking all the medications as I needed them, I had a healthy dose of visitors to keep my spirits high, and to talk with, just to be with. I am seriously overwhelmed by the power of community and the Body of Christ. Whether it was for just a few hours, or for a few days; friends and family surrounded me with love and encouragement to push on, to rest, to let the Lord heal all the pain heal. I even had some friends drive nearly 3 hours to see me for 30 minuets, and made the 3 hour drive back home. If any of you are reading this who has taken time out of your break to see me, you have no idea how loved you hace made me feel, how much life and strength that you have given me during this time. We weren't meant to do life alone. Jesus' life is a testament to that. He surrounded Himself with people that He loved, that He could count on even in the darkest hours, and I am so blessed to know that I have that.

So, Christmas Eve, you have arrived.  I could wish and pray nothing more for you all that you wouldn't worry about the gifts you will give or will receive, but that you would realize that has cliche as it may be, Jesus IS the reason for the season ( ha, I laughed even typing that ).  And I think more than ever, I am realizing that this year. I am not the biggest fan of Christmas music, but it's growing on me. But the song O Holy Night gets me every time. Literally, every time I have heard it this Christmas season, it has brought me to tears. I think that that song describes beautifully the true essence of what Christmas is about.  One of my favorite lines from the song is " Til' He appeared and the soul felt it's worth". It's so true, not  until Christ came were we able to see how much we are wroth to the King of Kings, Mighty Counselor, our Emmanuel. But in all seriousness, what other reason to we exchange gifts during this time than for the fact that God gave us the one gift that is above all other things. That because Jesus came, we can have salvation. We can receive the gift that brings grace, forgiveness, sonship, and so many other things. So, thanks Lord, for Jesus.

Merry Christmas!


By His Grace

MaKenzie

Silence&Solitude.

It's funny, because I still can't really look at a computer screen without my eyes causing my head to ache just a bit, okay; maybe more than a bit, but I figured that while I am feeling pretty a okay, i should just update my blog real fast like to let everyone know i am alive! ( clearly..)

Well it's hard to believe that it is just about a week after my surgery. Wow, just typing that made me chuckle, but not too hard because laughing is one of the things that hurts my head the most right now which is rather unfortunate since its basically one of my favorite things to do!

Over a week ago I went into surgery at Cleveland Clinic and emerged with the knowledge from some of the best neurosurgeons around that they hadn't seen anyone who needed the surgery quite as badly as I did ever before. It turns out that when they went in there, my C1, which is the first vertebre, was fused to the bottom of my skull making for quite a surprise and they ended up taking all of the C1 and part of the C2 out while still following through with the previously stated things in the procedure. And everything couldn't have gone any better! From what they tell me, I should be feel pretty freaking spectacular once  I am fully healed ( which well, we already know that I am)

I was at cleveland clinic until early Saturday evening when i made the over 2 hour drive back to Archbold. I may have been asleep for most of it thanks to all the nice drugs that the doctors have so kindly given me, but it definitely wasn't one of the most fun rides I have ever had! The first few days at home have had their ups and downs, but the love and care that I have been shown from people in my community to visitors all the way from Columbus have helped to make the transition into recovery 1000 times easier that I could have ever expected.

After a delightful afternoon spent with one of my favorite people, I have come to determine that there are two main things I want to learn about during my recovery time here at home. Silence and Solitude. You may think that the first is funny, for when am I ever really " silent", but its a different kind of silence. Since i have been home despite the love and care I have received it has been difficult to get alone with my Jesus, and really be able to spend time with Him even though I know He is the source of all my comfort, all my healing, all my joy. And I have decided that I want to learn on a level yet to be discovered what it means to sit and rest silently before my Lord, safe in His arms, to be in solitude with the One who has already brought complete healing to this broken body. 

To be honest, i have no idea if anything that i just wrote makes sense because I just took some pain meds and am heading to bed, but I challenge you yo journey along with me, discover for yourself what it means to rest in the arms of the Almighty. To quiet the world around you or within your own mind to hear His Voice.

Thanks for all the prayers! They mean more than you know!

A dear friend read to me from the Old Testament today in 1 or 2 Kings I believe, I don't remember where, but Elijah sought this solitude from the Lord, and that is what I pray for us all.

By His Grace

MaKenzie 

Got Peace?

It truly is a perplexing emotion that is sweeping over my body as I sit here tonight  in the Ronald McDonald House just a few blocks from the Cleveland Clinic. The atmosphere when in and around hospitals is such pain, sadness and fear; but tonight my friends I must confess not one of those lingers in the air. If any of you have ready any of the Bible, you knowhow often we as children of God are told to rest and find peace within His Presence, His Love; and I think that I am finally catching the slightest glimpse into what the really means. Here, read this...

   

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything,but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus  --->Philippians 4:4-7

Reread that last sentence, " and the PEACE of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus". God meant for His perfect peace to be a defense for those who love Him. A good friend of mine challenged me this past spring to memorize that verse and keep it where I could easily access it, and I understand after all these months why. Not only does God care about what is not right in my head, my brain, my neck; but He cares about every single emotion, thought, fear, feeling, doubt. I could keep going, but will make it simpler for you all and just say everything, He cares about everything. I truly believe that because I have invited God's peace into my life, He has sent it before be, protecting me from any future fear or doubts about what is about to take place, I believe that He has currently surrounded me with a thick blanket of peace that has securely wrapped itself around me. Peace has kept my mind from harmful thoughts, futile worrying and fear, Peace has kept my heart and my eyes set on His alone. 

My friends, its the only reasonable answer and most enticing answer that I have come across, and the one that I am going to choose to stand firm on. The Rock of the Ages beckons me to come and stand firmly upon His truths and promises for my life. 

Tomorrow morning at 8:30, I go under for a 5 hour procedure that yes, will help me, relieve me of pain, headaches, of things that hinder my life here on this earth, that prevent me from preforming to the best of my ability. I get so excited just thinking about that, wow; a life without headaches and this pain that it causes sounds so amazing!!! But, my friends; I'd be lying if I said that I wish that I didn't have to go through any of this, if I said that I wish i hadn't been born with Chiari, or that things didn't always have to be so freaking hard all the time. Why? Because all of this has drawn me closer to my Jesus, my God. This summer while I was overseas, I remember praying "God, do what you need to do, take me through whatever I need to go through, so that I may know you more, that I would be forced to draw closer to you.".. or something of that manner.. and well my friends, God answers prayers does He not? Look at where I am, being drawn into the Father's arms like never before. The night before brain surgery, I am more excited than anything to see what He has in store for my life, rather than sit and drown in fear or pain, not a chance.

So, tomorrow. December 1st, 8:30am, surgery. But the real adventure begins after that, when God begins to do far more than I could ever begin to imagine, now that's what I look forward to my friends.

I want to leave you with this...

fear not, for I am with you;
   be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.   ---> Isaiah 41:10

Now that's a promise I won't have any trouble believing and holding onto!

Words on this silly little blog will never, ever EVER be able to describe my thanks and gratitude for all the love, concern, and PRAY that has been overwhelming me and covering me over the past month or so. I mean.. honestly. you are all amazing, and I love you all, and once again; am SO thankful for you all!

By His Grace!

MaKenzie

And So I Give Thanks..

I must admit, it's quite strange to have woken up in my own house for the second day in a row, ( I can't say my own bed, for it's in Columbus), the same routine of years past fall back into place. Waking up my siblings long before they wish to open their eyes, taking turns in the bathroom, cramming four of us in there just to try and catch a glimpse at the the mirror; some things will never change.

And yet, it's also strange because of the circumstances as why I have been home. Of course, it's the holidays, Thanksgiving Day to be exact, but my body and mind keep trying to tell me that it's only for a short time, its not yet time to be home; but I know that that's not reality for the time being.

Yesterday I returned to Cleveland Clinic, a city within a city to be honest, one of the largest hospitals campuses that I have ever laid eyes upon. My mom, dad and I made the 2.5 hour drive there for a series of different appointments to prepare for next week's surgery. We got to meet with my surgeon, Dr. Roscino, which was such a pleasure. She's one of those women that walks into the room, and her presence just makes you feel at peace regardless of what situation you may be facing. As we sat with her, we discussed what the following week would look like. Surgery is set for 8:30am Wednesday, December 1st, if you remember it was suppose to be on Monday, but someone needed the spot a little bit more than me. Also, the day before the surgery I am going to be heading to a branch hospital in Brunswick for another series of MRI's that are suppose to last about 1.5 hours. The MRI will be on my whole spine just to be sure there wasn't any further damage done because of the extent of the Chiari. It should be quite interesting trying to stay still for that long when I can't even sit still for more than 15 minuets. It's been confirmed that I have Restless Leg Syndrom after months of joking about it to my housemates about it, and it's become difficult to sit still for any amount time. RLS is a symptom of Chiari so I wasn't too surprised.

We talked again about what they are going to be doing during the procedure: remove a few tiny bones from my vertebre, cauterize the brain tissue and insert a titanium mesh plate in the dura to create more space where all the pressure is built up in my head and such. It'll be about a four inch incision on the back of my neck and into the lower part of my head. She said they won't have to shave too much hair, but I replied that it really didn't matter to me how much, that it could be a fashion statement; being an art major I can pretty much get away with anything these days, ha.

The surgery is to last around five hours, to me I guess it won't seem that long, but forever one else I understand it might not be too much fun as my parents reminded me. But after that, I will be taken to the Peds ICU for the remainder of the day and the first night, but; after that my stay in the hospital will really depend upon how much pain I am in and how quickly I am able to get up and moving around. So, that could mean anywhere between 2-4 days. We are so thankful that my parents and family and friends will be able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House that is there in Cleveland to accommodate them with whatever happens. And my friends, that's pretty much the rundown on what the next week is going to look like.

On an evening as such, Thanksgiving Day to be exact, it would be easy to be ungrateful, fearful, or frustrated at the situation at hand. I am sure that I could compile a lengthy list of things that fit under all those categories. But I am faced with a choice, to choose to be thankful or well.. the opposite. As the song "Give Me Faith" plays on my itunes, I must admit; it's the cry of my heart.
          
              " I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me."
              " My flesh may fail, but my God, You never will"
               "Give me faith, to trust what You say, that You're good,
                 and Your love is great"
                " I'm broken inside, I give you my life"

I am not super women, there is still a hint of fear in my heart, worry runs sprints across my mind, physical pain weakens my body and clouds my mind, but I am reminded by truth that His power is made perfect in my weakness. Well, I sure have an abundance of weakness, therefore; His power must be raining down like a monsoon as in the summer months of India. Peace, which transcends all understanding, has been my close companion through the last month. From the first MRI, to the news of brain surgery, to today as I sit here in the presence of my always entertaining family about the greatness of our God.

 Many of you have wondered and even asked, how I could be so calm, so "ok" with what's going on. If you want the honest answer, I have not the slightest inclination as to why when looking at the situation through the eyes of my flesh. But when examined through the lens of my Father's eyes, the answer isn't hard to find. God has made promises to His children. To never leave their side (Hebrews 13:5), to pour our peace and grace ( John 1:16, Phil. 4:4-7), a surplus of love always ( 1 Peter 5:7, John 15:13), and He has held true to His promises throughout this time in my life. It's really the only answer that I have as to why I am responding to this situation the way I am, because of the great " I Am".

And so I give thanks. Thanks to the One who has not failed me yet. Though at times I may feel as if I am alone in the dark, searching for the light I fear I will never find, though the pain at times seems unbearable and quite possibly that I am losing my mind, I choose to give thanks. Because I hold onto a promise that goes far beyond what any of us could ever imagine.

Until next time...

By His Grace

MaKenzie

  Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesu
                                                    1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Stepping Into The Ring

I find that I am out of my element as I sit down to write, type rather, for I am far more accustom to having pen in hand filling the pages of a journal. The benefit this time, I can read all the words that flow from my mind and no time will be wasted deciphering what was put down on the page. ( some things never change, i still write like an artist gone mad ). .. i warn you, this first post is a bit lengthy.. good luck ( thumbs up ) 

So, as I sit here with piano music softly playing in the background from one of the best Pandora stations yet to be discovered, I am faced with reality. At this road marker in life, I stand face to face with life's next opponent, brain surgery. Ready and rearing to go, my opponent stands ready to break me down at any given moment. It waits for me to lose focus for merely a second, and it surely will strike, with all it's arsenal ready to fire.  How long can my defenses last, am I drawing near to my last stand against emotional defeat?

Let me catch you all up to speed on what exactly I am talking about here. About three weeks ago today, I found myself back in Northwest Ohio laying in the boisterous MRI machine. As I lay there, my first thought was about how painful it was going to be putting my nose ring back in, but as I came to realize what was actually taking place, my thoughts morphed to prayer. I remember asking God that they would find something, something that would crack the long, unsolved mystery of my chronic headaches over the past 5 or so years of my life, not to mention the not so occasional loss of balance, the constant running into inanimate objects, blurred vision and strange pain from sneezing.. ( yea.. I even thought that one was weird ). I prayed that something would be found, for I didn't want my fears of being crazy to be confirmed, that I wasn't making it all up, that the pain was real. But even after the short half hour MRI, there was no inclination that there truly would be any such discovery, and as I prepared for the 48 hour wait for results, my mind quickly moved on the the next adventure as it so easily does.

Low and behold the wait was a little shorter, 15 minuets later as I was standing in the check out lane with some delicious granny smith apples, I received a call that has brought me to where I am today. The had found an abnormality, and it was time to start taking action on what they found. Chiari 1 Malformation is the name of the culprit, a sneaky little bugger that has been tormenting me half my life. Basically, because there are developmental abnormalities in the lower part of my skull, it causes my brain to pulsate down, not out, pushing part of my cerebella tonsils ( part of my brain ) down past the skull, which leads to pressure and all sorts of fantastically horrible symptoms like the ones that I have been having more recently. It turns out, even thought one can have this their entire life, signs don't start showing up until early adulthood, guess that means I am becoming an adult now..    

After this discovery, we set off right away looking to see which neurosurgeon we were going to see, and were a little disheartened to find the earliest appointment we could get was November 23rd, three weeks away. It was odd, my prayers answered; something was there. I wasn't crazy after all, but now what? My natural impulsive desire to become emotionally attached to the situation, wasn't so.. impulsive.. no emotion really.. strange, I hardly knew how to respond to my own reaction let alone the news itself. The next couple days were spent trying to explain to friends and family what was going on, which became difficult as I really knew very little about the condition either, thankfully I live in a house of detectives, and soon knew about as much about Chiari as one could over the resourcefulness of the internet. But still, the problem remained that we couldn't get an appointment for three weeks, so we started praying, praying that the Lord would provide, and fancy that; He did.

This past Thursday on November 11th, as I sat in one of the world's most renowned hospitals of Cleveland Clinic, it all started to make sense. Every symptom that I have had in the past 6 years of my life, it was one " ahh ha" moment after another to be honset. After about an hour and a half with my surgeon  Dr. Roscino, we discovered not only did I have Chiari, but that it was far more progressed than we had expected. To be diagnosed with Chari, those tonsils I talked about before have to be at least 5mm below your skull, and we discovered mine are about 20mm, and I don't think because my number is higher that I win any prizes. My doctor proceeded to explain to me that medically, she can't understand how I have been functioning as well as I have been, and if you know me at all, I don't particularly do a whole lot of nothing. This has by far been one of my busiest quarters at school, more stress and pressure and demand than ever before, and here; I am medically not suppose to be abel to be doing anything.. fancy that. In that moment, I could't help but express what I believe to be true. That Jesus has sustained me, pulled me through this far, had provided supernatural strength to get me through. 

 And this brings me to this new opponent, no longer unnamed, brain surgery. On December 1st, I will be heading back to Cleveland Clinic to have a procedure done that will hopefully cure me of all my pain, all my frustration from not knowing, all my symptoms that despite my best attempts can no longer be suppressed and have been fighting hard to debilitate me from being who I was created to be, from doing what I love do it. In so many words, they are removing parts of my vertebre, and than will proceed to but through the brain membrane and cauterize the brain tissue, relieving pressure, and than will be installing a titanium plate into that area to create more space for my brain, brain stem and other very important things, all through a roughly 4 in incision. Intimidating? It's possible, but know this, I do not go into this battle alone. Didn't you know? Haven't you heard who is in my corner? The King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Conqueror over death, Salvation, Supplier of abundant Grace. Yeap, you guessed it, His name is Jesus.

My friends, if any of you know me in the slightest bit, you would be shocked to see me as I sit here tonight. Calm, relaxed even, as I sit and come to grips with reality, that two weeks from today, I will be recovering from brain surgery. I have come down to two conclusions. Either one: I am in complete denial about what is about to happen to me in two weeks, and because of it I am suppressing all of my uncontrollable emotion and am pretending that everything is ok, or two: this Jesus that I speak of has saw it fit to supply with me a surplus of peace, peace that truly and completely transcends all understanding. ... I think that I am going to go with the latter of the two...

I know not of what the battle ahead is going to look like, what punches the enemy is going to throw, what cheap shots might be taken, but this I know, the battle has indeed already been won. Fear not He says, and that's what I am going to choose to do, not fear. I have to believe that God is working all this out for my own good, his good is the best good that could ever be good, His plans for me that were set for me at creation are to bring glory to His name, and His name alone; if I don't believe that, than fear shall surely prevail. I am stepping into the ring, I do not deny that thoughts of retreat may creep into my mind, moments of pain may cause me to fall, but as I have already seen through the love of my friends and family, I am not alone in this fight. 


...side note, surgery was rescheduled for December 1st as of today ( which is now november 17th ) not november 29th...

.. ok i told you the first post was long, but if you made it this far, i applaud you ( applauding ). I will keep everyone updated,

By His Grace,

MaKenzie

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

---> Joshua 1:9