What's Next?

What's Next?

The infamous question has been asked more times than I can count over the last month of my life. You see, after about 4.5 years at The Ohio State University I have finally graduated, so I suppose that the question isn't so out of place as maybe I would like to have the right to deem it so. 9.5/10 college graduates will do what ever is humanly possible to avoid that question at all costs; shove the next bite of food in their mouths, turn and run away, stare blankly at the sky.. I am sure the list goes on and on..

And rightfully so. College life is scary enough, despite what most are willing to admit, let alone the real world. And there it is, the "real world". The place where you can no longer just sleep through that class you don't want to go to or stay up late at night talking aimlessly to the 10 housemates you've lived with knowing that you'll have time for a sufficient 5 hour nap the next day. It's the place were you are no longer spending loan money.. but paying it back with that "job" that you are sure to get, late night Taco Bell runs turn into mid morning indigestion and for some reason eating pizza every meal for 8 days no longer seems satisfying.

The Real World. Not that television show that was played for too many seasons on MTV. The real thing. The place where a different revelation of life begins for every human being at some point in time whether it's at the age of 10, 23 or 50, it's coming. There is a point in life when innocence is lost and the carefree attitude and spirit seem to give way to the blowing of the wind bringing in new aroma of smells unrecognized.

But.. I believe that we all, myself included, have a choice. We can let the reality of the "real world" paralyze us with fear, or we can look it straight in the eye, and declare with as much confidence as one can muster, I am not afraid of you.

And friends, I have to be honest, by the Grace of my beautiful God, I feel like that is actually where I am at.

Oh believe me, I have had my breakdowns leading up to this place, weary about my loans upon loans upon loans, fearful about my job security (lets me real.. i am an artist..) and unsure of where to take the next step fearing if it were the wrong one I would trip and call into a pit of utter despair. Dramatic, sure. But any of you who have graduated before me, I dare you to tell me that you've not feared the same before. I've looked the reality of the real world in the face and trembled with fear and uncertainty.

But no longer am I paralyzed by the fear that the enemy desires to strike within my heart. For you see, I have tasted and seen that the Lord, my God, is good! (Psalm 34:8) I have been reminded that I need not look any further than straight into the eyes that are burning with fire, with love for me (Revelation 1:14) to know who I am or who I am to become, because who I am in this very moment that you are reading this sentence is who I will be for all of eternity, the Beloved One and the Beautiful Bride (Revelation 19), the prodigal come home to the Father who's arms were open wide (Luke 15:11-32) , a co-heir with Jesus Christ (Romans 8), the one who is sitting at the feet of the only one who's attention brings significance (Luke 10:38-42), the one who's feet are beautiful and blessed upon any road I am travel (Isaiah 52:7), I am the anointed one (1 John 2:27).

And this is just a fraction of it all!

The reality of my real world is that I am already a citizen of another world, the eternal world of Heaven, where Christ Jesus sits at the right hand of the Father, waiting for the day when He will be reunited with His Bride. But as He waits, He woos her, draws her to Himself. And the more and more that my heart, my spirit and my mind become awaken to this reality, the fears of the "real world" fade into the background of my worries, of my mind. It doesn't mean that things like needing to pay back loans or the need for a job goes away, no it merely makes the things no longer a burden, because I know that God is providing for me all the things that I need to sustain me. And He has and He is!

So it brings me back to the question.. what's next.

Well.. funny thing is. I have an answer to that question. And the answer at the end of the day will always be the same, regardless of what season of life I am in.. but I don't think that I am meant to grant you the privilege of that answer here.. because I think that God desires that the answer would be the same for all who seek Him and for those whom have yet to embrace His all satisfying love. So I am praying now as I end this little note bubble put into a blog praying that each of you would come to the same revelation that the Holy Spirit has given me about the real world.. and about our futures whether you are 10, 23 or 50... because believe me friends, it's a life-changing one.

and if you really want to talk more about it.. well than we can! just not here.. and not now..

Be blessed.

MaK

Bring the Rain.

I was parched, dry while wondering in the desert.

Kicking up the dust all around me, my palet longed to be quenched by living water that seemed to be nothing but a myth.

I dipped my cup into many buckets full 

Right Where I'm Suppose To Be

Do you ever feel like you're always not where you should be? That you may have missed the mark, misread the directions, were confused by the static in the atmosphere?  Before arriving in Venezuela, I feared with great confidence that I indeed was living in a perpetual state of such mis-belonging, feeling like a vagabond in my skin at times. Threatened by confidence in my short term future by a sudden and most shocking change of direction from certainty to complete and utter lostness, I began to doubt my ability to discern God's voice and faltered in  not only my ability to trust but my willingness.  It had all made sense, all the cards had fallen in the right place. I'd work for the first time in three summers and begin preparing for my future after graduating in December. I'd work on my art work...because that's what artists do you see. It made sense. I'd begin to discover what it looks like to walk with Jesus in a church community without Cru meetings every week and hundreds of students challenging me to seek him, I'd grow in my independence walking with Jesus. But the perfect job fell through and I was left with confusion and anger towards the Lord, followed by fear and than anger.... All with less than two months before summer. Venezuela. A new word I kept hearing from the Lord. Or was it God? Or was it my own selfish desires spurring me on to make self-motivated decisions. Going away for the fourth summer in a row didn't make sense to anyone.. Including myself. So how could it have been?  Thousands of questioned flooded my head for the weeks to come, and finally I said yes to the urging of my Spirit within mine, daring to go against my flesh and many voices around me, and say yes to coming to Venezuela...  So this seems a little drawn out and perhaps its pointless information.. But I think I'm going somewhere with this.. So just hold on...  Can we know where God wants us to be?Can I know God's will for my life now?  Does God still speak to us today in ways we can truly know and understand? Questions like this flooded my mind as I agreed by faith to say yes to the Lord. Have you ever found yourself asking these questions?  I believe the answers to all of such questions is yes, one-hundred times over. God's word has made it very clear that we have direct connection to Himself via His Holy Spirit living and working in and through us. It says that we have the very mind of Christ. He says delight yourself in the Lord and He'll grant you the desires of your heart. (because when we are seeking Him our desires will be His desires.. How crazy is that?!)  So how does this all relate to anything i've previously said? Well to be honest.... Im still trying to process through that.. But I believe God has indeed shed some light on the subject.  Since being in Venezuela, Abba has convinced me with His love and gracious blessings and the reality of how badly I need Him that I indeed am exactly where I am suppose to be. In this very moment, writing these very words.. Sometimes I know because of the way He's chosen to show to me His amazing love through amazing friendships with joy-filled, Jesus-loving Venezuelans named Haifa, or it's the scent in the early morning air when no one else is awake but these cute yellow birds and I see the sun rising over the surround mountains... I've been convinced by the challenges and sufferings i've wrestle through since being here... And even by the wretchedness of my sin that's been revealed... When it comes down to it.. God's sovereignty and absolutely relentless love has convinced me... At least for the time being that I am exactly where I am suppose to be... 

A New Covenant Partner

A New Covenant Partner While here in Venezuela we have been studying 2 Peter, it's quite a letter I must say. Peter is reminding us to walk in the way of the Lord. But as 'doers' of the world, so many times our motives and sinfulness can prevent us from pursuing such characteristics Peter mentions because we waste so much time mulling over our motives when we should just be acting out of faith because by God's grace alone are we able to even pursue godliness.  So many of us wrestle with the idea of 'works', everyone usually falls into one of two categories. A: you believe you attain favor and salvation by way of your 'good works' or B: you do nothing and remain idle throughout your life believing your actions no longer matter because you're covered by Jesus' blood. We often drift between the two, and are afraid to 'make every effort' as Peter says in chapter one. But the truth is, pursuing godliness, wanting to be more like Christ isn't a bad thing. It's something that Christ Himself said we should strive for!! The truth here that I am realizing is this: we walk in obedience because it gives God Glory and Honor. It's not about what I gain from being self-controlled, acting with virtue or faith or even loving the least lovable person in the world, it's not about ME! It's my about what I benefit from, it's about what I can give back to the Lord because f His great mercy and grace, because He alone is worthy of all of me. Okay so... That's not even what I wanted to blog about haha.. So if you're not bored yet.. I guess keep reading.. So chapter 2 is a doosey.. chalk full of warnings that Peter give by authority of the Holy Spirit and the Prophetic Word of God. So I'm not going to sit here giving you a list of everything you shouldn't be doing but rather want to zero in on the contextual value of one verse. .. "for it would have been better for them never to have known the way of   righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them" That itself is pretty heavy, and I think the question than arises,'can someone lose their salvation after have had it'... Such a weighty question, and one that I think any follower of Jesus Christ wrestles with at some point in time in their lives... And now I'm not going to get into a theological debate here, though it's something I'm growing to love (theology.. Not debating..ha) But rather.. Want to talk about the 'act of entering into a new covenant with a new covenant partner' at the time of conversion from darkness and into God's glorious light. And I'm talking about a marriage covenant here.. Many times in Gods's word do we see evidence of this "for your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His Name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called...". Isaiah 54 Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord has their own 'wedding day' with our Beloved, we are the Bride of Christ. The old covenant with the destruction and death are abolished with one overflowing with steadfast faithfulness , scandalous Grace and a promise of relentless love. But, the wedding day is just the beginning. Just as there is more to marriage between man and women here on earth than just the day two become, so is it with our marriage to Christ. One must examine the life lived after the decision in enter into such a commitment is made, and therein lies the authenticity of ones true meaning of 'i do'.  Divorce is consuming and ravishing marriages around the world today, people treat the most sacred covenant as if it were any old lay promise ready to be broke at the slightest sign of trial, struggle. People everyday decide they have fallen out of love..  Let me tell you something friends, God will NEVER fall out of love with you, Romans 8 tells us that NOTHING can separate us from the love of Christ. (if you've never read Romans 8 I recommend doing that..now perhaps?) But the reality is there is a choice on our part. The marriage covenant is not a one way street, we are either moving toward Christ, or we are moving away from Him. But moving toward Christ doesn't mean that wr have it all together. Sometimes wr are sprinting with all we have into His arms and there are days that we are crawling on our hands and knees, barely getting by. There is only in or out. There is no middle ground here.  And so again we are asking. Can we than lose our salvation.. Well this is where I am at with this most uncomfortable topic.. If one truly enters into a sacred marriage covenant with the Maker of all, the Relentless Lover, change is inevitable in their lives, they simply won't remain the same because of love of such stature ravished the heart in such a way one would never, even of they tried, be able to remain the same.  But just as some people enter into marriage here in earth without the intentions of remaining faithful through thick and thin, who 'fall out of love' when the going gets tough, I believe people can 'enter' into such a 'covenant' with God.. Which isn't really a covenant at all...  so though in this convent with the Lord, we are the adulterer, we are the  unfaithful and the liar and the cheat, God's love pierces to the heart of the  matter and rescues us from our own demise. He is our Forever Faithful Husband, to those who have said 'I do' So I think that's where I am going to leave it...  'it is no good asking for a simple religion. After all, real things are not simple' - C.S. Lewis

I'm where You want me to be..

'I know this is where you want me to be'...that's a direct quote from my journal after the first day here in Venezuela..I fought with the Lord so much and argued with Him about coming here (because that always works...ha) because I just simply couldn't figure out why coming to Venezuela for a month before I graduate in December would be advantageous for anything really.. I fought my selfish desires and my sinful nature and chose to trust I knew the voice of God the Father and was following Him here despite my walking in the dark on the situation so to speak. And thank God I did!! It seems everyday I'm understanding more and more why it is that I am here. It been one full week since we've arrived, but it seems like so much longer. Perhaps it's because the friendships that I've built, with my team and Venezuelan students, have flourished and it's as if I've known them for years. Or maybe it's the fact the Lord has revealed so much to me already in this shot week about Himself and His great and steadfast love for me and about a joy that truly is made complete because of the finishe work of Jesus that is unexplainable, unspeakable and could only come by way of the gracious Holy Spirit alive and at work in my heart.. But He's also shown me the depths of my helplessness, brokenness and filth by way of my sinful nature. It's all seemed to be too much to swallow and take in in such a short time and yet God had given me the Grace.. Oh such sweet Grace, to take it all in in stride. I guess I should address though whats actually going on here in Venezuela. LOTS! God is surely on the move here in this nation and in this city. From day one on campus my team and I have experienced the transforming power of te Gospel message in the lives of students. This is not an official count, but I believe that we have probably seen nearly 15 or 20 students enter from the kingdom of darkness to the Kingdom of Light!! Personally I gave the privilege of praying with three students, Ricardo, Robert and Osbellisa, when they saw the light and chose Christ, or rather responded to His call on their lives!! What a beautiful privilege that was to see their eyes light up at the sound that they could have this beautiful Jesus for themselves. Words can't describe the joy that was overflowing in my heart. Aside from the Lord God doing work on campus in and through so many, the friendships that I am building with students who are already involved in thr student movement here called Vida Estduiantil. Haifa is one of those people, she is a beautiful, energetic and life-giving spirit. She's gone with me almost everytime I've gone sharing to help translate and has been such a blessing to me! Getting to witness her share about God's love with others truly is a privilege as she's so filled with His Spirit and overflows with the Fathers Love!! I feel as if I've known her for far longer than a week as wr're gotten to share life with one another. Truth is, I could probably blog for hours about what's been going on, so I'll spare you considering most of you will probably have stopped reading now anyways.. Ha. But I will try and update again sooner this next time! Thanks for everyone who is praying for my team and i, I know God has so much more in store for us in there next two weeks!

Another Adventure Awaits..

I'm not very skilled at keeping up with this thing called "blog". It's nearly been a year since my last post when I was over seas in South Asia.. and now I sit here on the front porch of what has been dubbed "the White House". It resides on South Campus at The Ohio State University, the dwelling place that I have come to know as home over these past four years that have flown by in a more literal than metaphorical blink of the eye. But thankfully ( or maybe not so thankfully?) I will be here in Columbus for another year for my first and last semester of school.. I guess that's what happens when you decide to have brain surgery whilst in college..

I am not sure I can put into words what this past school year has been like in a small enough quantity that you or anyone would want to sit and read it all.. my fourth, but not last; year here at Ohio State has by far been the most challenging relationally, academically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally.. and any other "ally" that you can think of to be honest.. I have hated it at times... and rejoiced in it at others.

I have found life in new friendships and have grown to value and not take for granted the friendship of those who have been by my side through hell and back through the past four years. I watched my best friend get married, very soon I will be watching some of the most influential people in my life leave the country. I have broken the hearts of people that I love because of my wretched sin and have seen grace cover it time and time again ( I fail a lot if you didn't catch that). I have experienced joy unspeakable and hit rock bottom, sometimes in the same moment. I have cried tears evoked by pain and sorrow and cried tears that were inspired by none but the Spirit Himself. I laughed. a lot. i like to laugh.

Not many things have remained constant throughout the pats nine months, but the one thing that has remained steady was the Lord's pursuit of more of me throughout it all. There were times when I felt I was all alone, and moments when I knew that He was standing right there beside me. I am learning about what it means to be in a desert place and what it means to be in the garden. and how that can change on a daily basis. it's like a spiritual whiplash. but one that is purging me of the things that keep me from a deeper intimacy with my Maker and my Beloved Pursuer and drawing me into that Secret Place.

The year (school year) is ending with the beginning of a new adventure. One that was very unexpected, that I even was resistant to at the start of it all. I thought that for the first time in three years I would be in Columbus for the summer, making money, ( i am an artist. i have none). But when plans fell through for a job that i was most assured of, I didn't have a plan b. Most smart people have a plan b.. I was pretty flustered with the Lord, I thought that I knew what the Lord wanted for me this summer, but I was wrong. How could be not having this amazing art job, that actually was going to pay me, not be what He wanted? But He is sovereign right? That's the question that I kept asking myself in the days following.

Every time that I would sit and annoyingly pray about my summer, Venezuela ( a country in South America that Ohio State Cru has a partnership with) kept coming to my mind, my heart; something of that nature. To be honest, I was flat out against it. "there is no way that this is where you want me for the summer". That's what I would tell God.. like i had any right to tell God what He wanted for me..

But the more I prayed.. the more it came up. So much so to the point where the Thursday following me not getting the job to prove to God that I wasn't suppose to go... i started filling out the application for the 4 week trip to Valencia, Venezuela.. how that was to prove something. I am not sure. But i argued with the Lord til 3am that night as I filled out the application.

Finally, I came to a point where I told God.. if you want me to go.. you are going to have to flat out tell me.. because I have no idea what you want for me.. I know that God usually doesn't work this way.. He allows us to trust in the discernment and Spirit that He placed within us to make choices.. which scares me that He does that. That He would trust me.. that I would trust Him.. to do what is best for me..

That following Sunday.. I got a call from someone telling me that there was one spot left on the team.. and heard I was thinking about it..

Thanks God. Okay. You want me to go to Venezuela. i get it. I thought that I would be smart and tell God well, if you want me to go, finish my support by June 1st ( I had decided to go almost 5 months after most people and so I had shorter time to raise the full amount to go) But God, He's funny. He's Sovereign. He finished my support three days before June 1st.

So. just a few short days from now I will be boarding a plane to Venezuela for a month where I will get to share the love of my Jesus with students hungry and searching for something in this life to satisfy them. That is Jesus. The only source of satisfaction. The only source. The Source.

I will hopefully be blogging during my time there to let people know just what God has for me there.. so stay tuned for that if you are interested.

Hopefully it won't take me another year to blog..

MaK

Falling Facedown, A Prayer Poured Out

There's nothing I hold onto. I desire to die to myself, to fully receive your Grace but it seems my flesh desires things in selfish pride, in my need to relieve others of suffering and be their "savior", and I am motivated by my ulterior motives. It is true that I am able to say I'm dead to all of these things because of your Grace? How much love You must love me with, that one man would make a way into Your presence, make a way to righteousness; not only for me but for all of  humanity. This love. I cannot begin to fathom it, and at the same time, I long to drown in an ocean of it.


I long to venture down into the very depths of it. I know there are moments when I'll be afraid, and fear for my life. When doubt strikes me with fear and I begin to feebly attempt to breathe on my own, when I realize that I am suffocating myself in my own pride to do it on my own, Your Grace will breathe life into my tired and weary soul.  Deeper. I want to go deeper into Your love. Won't You take me deeper? Because I don't just wonder about more of You or even merely want it. I'm coming to a place of complete and utter desperation for more of You, for all of You.  


Set free from the law, its no longer sacrifice you require but a humble and contrite spirit. In the weakness and wretchedness of my self, of my flesh; I cannot carry out what my spirit, the new creation You've made me to be, desires. But in the Grace You pour out, I'm able to do and experience more than I could ever possibly imagine. Seeds can be sown in love and truth, a harvest can be reaped.  Blind eyes can be opened, hardened hearts softened, lives transformed, Your Kingdom advanced. 


Yet, in my brokenness and filth, I seek honor and glory for myself. Why? I read the Word You've called Your own and see that I can be transformed by the renewal of my mind through Grace. Why do I hold on and try to keep what needs pruned and plucked, thrown into the fiery furnace  and burned away? Manifest the truth that my most righteous acts are like filthy rags. That I might lay my spirit and physical body, that which You call Your temple, prostrate in the dirt with my hands turned to reflect every every ounce of Glory back to You. 


I need You. I need You to come and change my heart, my spirit to be more in the likeness of You. You say I have the mind of the One You called Your own. To be honest, I mock that truth at times, because I know the disgust that goes on within my own mind, how could the two ever correlate? But in my spirit, I believe it. Fill my mind with thoughts like those of Your faithful Son. Thoughts of compassion, of counting everyone else as more significant than myself, of servanthood, and ultimately a mind set on bringing Glory to You and You alone.


Breathe Your presence on me. Surround me completely. I long to enter into the quiet place. The secret place where I can year you speaking to me. Take me to the place where only You and I can know. The place where intimacy reaches depths that I have never known before. Im calling out to You. Do you hear me? Will you come to me, for I am crying out for more of You. To no one else can I turn, for the lesser loves leave me broken, hurt and empty. The momentary satisfaction they provide never fully satisfies. But You, Oh how You satisfy, for that is Your promise to me is it not? That You alone can satisfy.  


Forgive me, for my heart and mind have turned their back on You. I have been adulterous. I even dare say i've whored myself out to lesser loves than You. Who am I, that You would take me back into Your arms? That id hear You say "you're pure and perfect to Me, beloved"? Of these things I cannot understand. The vastness of this love I care to call my own strikes fear in my soul, yet beckons be to surrender all I am and dare to be drawn near. 


My mind reminds me of my unworthiness, of the filth that exists within but for a moment that seems like an eternity at times, but I turn away as I come to the realization of how undeserving and depraved I am and how you still am called into Your love by this Grace that never ceases to leave me perplexed and in wonderment. It calls my name again. My head hung low in shame is lifted by the hands that have been pierced for my redemption, my salvation, that purchased my eternity.


Of this love, I'll never get enough. But still, I long for more. I'm so undeserving of all You are. Yet, You're so deserving of all my love. My life. My everything. So, though I know I'm prone to wander, prone to turn away. I pour out myself. With Everything. Would You take it all? My hands are open, take what you want. Take what keeps me from You and give me more of You. Give me strength to chose to soak up Your Grace and the ability to receive all You have for me.


I'm crying out to You. May my life reflect Your love, which is enough. It's all I want to want, for I know it's all that I need. Here I am. Life laid before You. Would You come?